The Great Divide

The Great Divide

   The battle of the sexes, Mars and Venus, call it what you will, but men and women have struggled through the centuries to find their places...anywhere.  Work, home, glass ceilings, burqas (also spelled burkhas), each side has tried to set boundaries for the other either through culture, religion, tradition  or simply the home.  Even here in the U.S., the subject is a delicate one, often chuckled at, often frowned at...how dare they, we say.

   Some progress came a few months ago when the mainly men's magazine, Esquire, invited a few writers at the primarily women's magazine, Elle, to write a gift guide for men, this being from the viewpoint of women.  If you're a man, you'll likely find what they said refreshing.  Herewith, a brief excerpt:
 
   Women have preferences, see, and we don't make a secret of them. Each of us has a favorite flower, ice-cream flavor, fragrance, cocktail, jewelry designer.  If you're paying attention, it's virtually impossible not to know what we like.  If you have failed to note any of the above, going rogue is not the answer.  Pick up the phone and dial her sister or her best friend. Not only will you score with the gift, you'll make a lifelong ally.  Skip the airport gift shop (unless she has a kitschy snow-globe collection, in which case, kudos, Mr. Thoughtful) as well as any clothing store your mother likes.  Think to yourself: Can I imagine the woman I love shopping in this store?  In addition to the stuff, would she like the music?  The smell?  Does the salesgirl look like someone she's be friends with?  EXPERIENCE  She'll value holding your hand that night at the theater/baseball game/Beyonce concert far more than any dumb scarf.  WRAP  Every gift, every time.  Even if -especially if- the wrapping costs more than what's inside. Effort, man. Effort

   Perhaps this was not the viewpoint of every woman; but for a men's magazine to take a stab at it...well, it was a start (unfortunately, it's proven to be their one and only attempt to date).  Deborah Tannen, author and sociolinguist has studied these differences in the language patterns men and women use.  In her bestselling book, You Just Don't Understand, she writes that "For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.  Emphasis is placed on displaying similarities and matching experiences...for most men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and maintain status in a hierarchical world.  This is done by exhibiting knowledge and skill, and by holding center stage through verbal performance such as storytelling, joking, or imparting information." 

   Hearing the "other" side, even from someone as close as a parent or a spouse, can sometimes prove more difficult than we think.  For often, what we think we've heard is sometimes not what was being said.  In her book, author Tannen says that before an argument heats up one should always reply with, "what I hear you saying is..."  Often, the reply back will be, "That's not what I'm saying at all." 

   Imagine if such a simple solution could be applied to social crises, to governments, to warring countries.  We constantly hear about a "dialogue" starting but perhaps in such cases neither side is properly hearing what the other side is saying.  Imagine a country's ruler talking to another and saying, "So what I hear you saying is..."  Instead, we often hear it presented in a more dominant, "So you're saying..." 

   "We all know we are unique individuals," says Tannen, "but we tend to see others as representatives of groups.  It's a natural tendency, since we must see the world in patterns in order to make sense of it;  we wouldn't be able to deal with the daily onslaught of people and objects if we couldn't predict a lot about them and feel that we know who and what they are.  But this natural and useful ability to see patterns of similarity has unfortunate consequences.  It is offensive to reduce an individual to a category, and it is also misleading.  Dividing women and men into categories risks reinforcing this reductionism."

   Will the phrase "never the twain shall meet" disappear?  Will countries begin talking before buying weapons?  Yes, we have differences,  we men and women.  But at least Esquire gave it a shot and tried to introduce it's readers to a different perspective...and I, for one, learned something and enjoyed it.  Now, what I hear you saying is...