Becoming Baby

Becoming Baby

    It's an old saying, especially for those of you dealing with an aging parent or relative.  The body slowly staggers a bit in walking, the bladder starts to lose a bit of control and diapers appear, and for the most part, learning again becomes difficult.  On the other side of the coin, new experiences are again fascinating, as are new friendships.  Money and possessions become of little concern, while warmth and food and being taken care now take center stage...we start to again enjoy being babied.

    As my mother approaches her sixth week without rehab or seeing a primary doctor (my adventures of such were written earlier, for those of you new to these posts or just wanting to discover what might possibly await you when you move a parent across state lines), there are a few more things to pass on, a few more discoveries of what you may want to watch out for (and I'm sure there'll be more to come).  So let's start with that all-important primary care physician (and again, this is primarily from a U.S. standpoint and how our medical care system works).

    Never assume:  You hear that all the time but when dealing with insurance, this is an all-important phrase.  Just because a doctor will accept your insurance does not mean that that doctor will be accepted by your insurance.  What??  With my mother, it took six weeks to get into this doctor who accepted new patients (that will be your step one, finding a doctor who accepts new patients and your insurance); she had an evaluation, got her blood taken for lab work, got the orders for rehabilitation to re-start, got all her paperwork underway, and left.  Only I called her insurance just to double check and make sure that she was indeed finally going to get some help.  And their answer was...nope.  Turns out that their list of accepted doctors is exactly that, a list of accepted doctors (it was a old list of about 30, since many of the 100 or so doctors listed no longer accepted new patients or had stopped practicing years ago); unless you found a doctor from their list (mostly pediatricians, ironically), no claims or orders would be accepted or paid.  All of which meant, calling nearly everyone on the list (yes, I finally did find one), getting an appointment (now another two weeks of waiting), picking up all of her medical records from the earlier doctor we just visited (you should have at least two years worth of her records, everything from allergies to meds being taken to surgeries, along with all previous contacts and insurance records), and starting the process over (again, even if you want to pay for rehab help, nothing can be done until a doctor issues an order for such).  Moving from out of state? (as my mother did)  Best to first check if you are still within the insurance's region (if this has changed, you'll be doing the above steps for nothing and will have to start all over in the proper region).

    Follow the money:  I should add, "if you can."  With most everything being electronic these days, you can imagine the thrill older people have (many not yet versed on online banking or perhaps even computers) when they discover that bank statements are no longer on paper.  Well, actually they are available but for a cost (in my mother's case, it would be $6 per monthly statement).  Having a pension or annuity electronically delivered?  Best to get those numbers correct and here's lesson number two, have them repeat those numbers back to you.  Truth be told, even that doesn't work, for a simple typo down the way can cause headaches.  In my mother's case, two payments have now gone missing (rejected by the bank and sent back) due to a missing digit that vanished somewhere down the line (we are in the process of switching banks, the too-big-to-fail bank proving to us that it can indeed fail spectacularly).  The numbers were carefully repeated back to me, and were correct; but somewhere a number disappeared and poof, lost in the netherworld.  And those of you acting as caretakers, consider putting yourself down as a signer or power of attorney instead of as a joint account holder.  Several banks have advised me that once you become a joint account holder, those assets are now on your books.  So if somehow I were to get sued and everything was taken, my mother's assets (at least those on which I was joint holder) would be fair game for a court as well...not good.  One final note, explain to the person what ACH means (and if you don't know, better look it up since it appears more and more these days on your statements, electronic or otherwise).

    Power of attorney:  Speaking of which, carry it everywhere (a copy is fine as long as all pages are there, even the generic opening page which says little more than the following sheets are your power of attorney; banks don't like to see anything that starts with Page 2).  Everyone, from doctors offices to insurance providers to banks to living facilities will want a copy.  This is to protect them as well as you, and gives them free reign to converse with you without hesitancy; you are, after all, talking about medical conditions and financial information.  Should you happen to call a place that doesn't have one of your copies, you'll have to have the person you're caring for nearby so that they can give vocal authorization for the insurance company or whatever to speak to you (the company will likely ask you to fax --email scans are actually still discouraged due to security-- in a copy to speed up such future discussions).  Wait, you do have a power of attorney, right? 

    Insurance is everywhere:  In this case, that means everything from health to flood to empty house to automobile.  It will all keep coming at you.  Is the car registration due (better have that power of attorney), the house vacant (your policy will need to change or insurance will likely battle you when you file a claim), the flood papers signed (qualifications require signed papers that you are occupying the home so that policy was out).  For someone once used to dealing with all of this, it can now become overwhelming, especially if you're 90 years of age.  Figures begin popping out at you, steadily rising from double digits to triple digits to even more (her brief three-day hospital stay was billed at $14,000 although that included the brace surgically attached to her femur); the 20-day rehab stay that followed at another facility came in at a similar amount; her 5-hour visit to the emergency room was billed at +$7,000.  Imagine yourself now struggling to get up out of your comfortable chair (and happy when you do so), making your way down to the mailboxes, then finding those bills.  It would certainly put a damper on that upcoming lunch.  Making calls to insurance providers (with the government, the wait is usually 40 minutes or more), each of whom will ask for all sorts of verifying answers before speaking with you, and you not really hearing all that well, especially since the person on the other end might be speaking a bit too quickly for you, and then trying to explain your situation coherently...well, let's just say that at that point, you might want some help.  Caretakers...start making folders (it'll prove easier in the long run).

    For those of you lucky enough to be having to deal with this (and I say lucky because by doing so it means that that person you love is still around and it's your chance to finally give back at least some of those years when that person had you as a baby), it's sometimes difficult to not be overwhelmed yourself.  There's laundry to do, bills to pay, another hour of being a sounding board (it may all sound like complaints but likely just translates into being someone whom he or she can trust to listen).   For the parent or person being moved, try to remember that this is all new to them; it will mean new surroundings (and likely weather), meeting and making new friends (thus you become their lifeboat, a safe place to cling to until they feel comfortable enough to let go), and worrying or not worrying about what will happen next (from finances to growing another day older).  Maybe your parent is not quite a baby yet but rather just a child going to school for the first time...it's scary (but will eventually be fun).  Think of this time --difficult as it might prove at times-- as an honor, just as those of you who are younger and perhaps are only now entering your own world of parenthood.  Babies are a challenge, but the benefits far outweigh the downsides.  Just as new parents have to take time outs for themselves, so it is with caretakers (even Medicare realizes this and provides paid breaks for caretakers)...and if you're lucky enough, it will happen.  Your child will soon grow and blossom, and soon not need you quite as much...and you may miss that "being needed" (at first).  Give them (and you) space...they're growing and now is the time to just sit back and enjoy.  Time goes by quickly, and you'll hear all parents express that same disbelief that their "children" are now moving out or getting married or leaving the country.  Good times, bad times, it's life...savor the moments you have with them now.  It's a time of learning for us all...