Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence

   The numbers are staggering...1 out of every 2 women have encountered abuse from a spouse or family member at some point in their lives, 13,000 men and women per day are abused, children who witness abuse are 6 times more likely to commit suicide later in life....and the reasons for putting up with such abuse are equally numerous.  No money, no family, nowhere to go, a past history of violence.

   When I used to do my line of "STOP Domestic Violence" tee shirts, I posted some of the startling statistics on the back of the shirt, hoping that by just standing in line, others behind me would see the stats and become more aware of the scope of the problem.  Also posted in large red numbers was the 800-number for the help line (800-799-SAFE)...this too, I hoped, might be read by someone undergoing such a situation and now seeing that there's was a number to call for help.

   Domestic violence can take many forms, from abuse of parents to abuse of an immigrant or person who is gay.  The issue is control...control of finances, control of friends, control of visitation (or letting you out on your own), control of property, sex, alcohol and even control of pets.  And that control can take many forms, from verbal abuse to physical and sexual abuse.  Being put down or being told that you never can do anything right, you're stupid, you're ugly...eventually, your self esteem so batted down that you believe yourself to be not worth much and thus, not worth getting out of the situation (for who would want you...not an employer and certainly not anyone else).

   As Robin Givens told TIME,  When I first heard of the two-game suspension for former (NFL) Ravens running back Ray Rice because of the assault on his then fiancée, I thought, Great, here we go again. No one cares, he can do anything.  And then when I saw the second video of him actually punching Janay Rice unconscious, I thought, this is what happened to me.  The only difference was that when I came to, a doorman was carrying me over his shoulder, out of my fiancé’s apartment, and into a car.  I remember what my ex-husband (Mike Tyson) told me later, which was that I bounced off two walls and I then was out.  At the time, I was engaged to him and living with my mother, but I didn’t go home because I would have had to explain to her what happened.   Instead I called a friend and went to her hotel room, but even then, I didn’t say, “He hit me.”  I said, “He pushed me.”  It’s even hard to admit it yourself.  I was embarrassed.  People ask why I didn’t leave after the first time he hit me.  But you feel such inner turmoil and confusion. You want it to be only one time.  And for three days after that incident I did the right thing. I said: “Don’t call me. I never want to see you again.”  But then you start taking his phone calls.  Then he asks to see you in person, and you say yes to that.  Then you have a big giant man crying like a baby on your lap and next thing you know, you’re consoling him.  You’re the protector.

   Vice President, Joe Biden, introduced the Violence Against Women Act in 1990 (it took four years to be signed into law --up until 1980, women were still considered by law to be the "property" of men;  a man shooting another man having an affair with his wife could still claim he was "defending his property" and not be subject to murder charges-- and despite another long battle and much opposition in Congress, the VAWA was only recently re-authorized in 2013).  In an effort to accelerate his work,  Biden introduced his 1 Is 2 Many and Not Alone campaigns to help students (the link takes you to a preview from Mother Jones which shows the PSA from the White House but more importantly, shows comments on some (primarily male) students and gives an idea of why this issue still faces a long uphill battle). 

   Twitter responded by creating its own growing campaign at #WhyIStayed, trying to discover some of the reasons men and women stay in such relationships (and to give an outlet for those feeling that they have nowhere else to turn).  According to The Week, the reasons were many:  "My girls needed a father;"  "He told me 'no one will ever love you like I do.' "  "I was hit at home growing up.  How was I to have learned relationships could be different."  One wrote, "I confused pity for love."  One woman eventually got her violent husband imprisoned (the judge had let her husband go after multiple arrests, but he was again arrested later and jailed for stalking) but fears for her life.  As quoted in a Huffington Post piece, "...he's told fellow inmates that he plans to kill me as soon as he gets out."

   But there is hope for this complicated issue (again, an issue so complex that this blog is but a glimpse of the actual problem).  In a few weeks, HBO will cover this story on Oct. 20 at 9 p.m with a film titled, Private Violence.  This month also marks Domestic Violence Awareness Month and how you can help and get involved.  Also, a competition revealed two winning apps to help those experiencing abuse: Circle of 6, an iPhone app that takes two touces to reach your circle of supporters and let them know where you are and what you need as well as connecting to reputable domestic violence organizations;  and On Watch, another iPhone app that lets you transmit critical information by phone, email, text, and social media to your support network if events or activities don’t go according to plan.  Also, law professor Leigh Goodmark's book, A Troubled Marriage: Domestic Violence and the Law, advocates "allowing some domestic violence victims to have options beyond just automatic arrests and prosecution of their abusers. These ideas include restorative justice, which focuses on repairing harm caused by violence, counseling services for victims and batterers, and orders of protection that might allow partners to still have contact."

   Again, this issue is a labyrinth and puzzling to many...why is it happening, why is it stopping it still being resisted by some in Congress, and why are polls showing a lack of interest (even after the video showing Ray Price knocking out his girlfriend with a punch, polls of football fans indeed show 90% of viewers haven't changed their attitudes on watching the NFL).  This IS an important issue, a humanity issue...please dig deeper and help bring an end to such behavior.